Wherever I go, I don't fit in
Everywhere I try to go, I try to communicate and show, little by little, who am I. But the more that I try to do that, the more I feel an estranged, alien feeling in me that just tell me to go back to my corner. I had taught myself that, for sure, there's people out there that sees me as normal, even if I look bizarre to others. It's not out of desperation or loneliness that I do it, it's out of hope because something is healing inside me that makes me want to look for other people, I switch to a "offer-mode" sort of. I don't usually do it, rejection is expected or maybe a stubbornness out of my part, unapproving someone, which in this case can only be my fault.
These other artists; not all of them, but most of them have an easy time hanging out and making art together. It's not that I can't relate since I had special moments with other artists. Half of me feels envy about them being considered at all, the other half enjoys the solitude of understanding whatever pours out of me and a deeper relationship with the work entirely by myself. I feel like I try too hard to enter the "bubble" of that community.
I shake it off and I keep working, it reappears sometimes. I've been to music communities with many artists ranging lots of genres and all, and it was still pretty hard for me to fit in. Feels like some people are just louder and I get the last place to speak up. I love the solitude, and I'm probably going to decline invites that allows me to open up anyway. I know that people will demand too much of my conscious evaluation frontal cortex type shit and that wears me off quickly. Sometimes I just want to lose control entirely and hand my life over to chaos. Maybe this thing really isn't for me. Maybe I just explained the reason ain't nobody coming after me, and sure it can make sense that way.
Imagine that you're someone that knows a lot about different types of pins in the room and people ask another person in the room what is the type of the pin they have. This other person is talking some superficial knowledge they got 19 years ago from a middle school book from a specific knowledge you're good and aligned with. Would you speak up? I feel like it's not elegant to speak over someone even if you have the best hand at a given moment. Why? You weren't addressed, and if you're at this position, that means the people around don't really know about you. It hurts a bit when we're talking about biological family and close friends. I feel that all the god damn time, with people driving trucks on top of me while I'm just unable to top it off or feel like it's unsafe to speak anything or to share anything interesting, simply because I weren't addressed in the first place. I respect that and I never speak up over someone unless I'm addressed, even if the other person don't show the same degree of respect, in this case it's just not worth my time.
I'm very well acquainted with the "nobody gives a damn about you" kind of feeling. It comes from all directions, even from the people that tells you that they love you. That's not the issue and I feel like that rightfully encourages you to take care of yourself at all times. It's not really about showing "who's boss", it's really about people close to you not getting to know you better, or creating a unsafe environment for opening up, unless you're hyper-relevant or, of course, loud: making your virtues public. I don't try to fit in communities anymore and it's probably the best thing I can do. Most of the day is me talking to myself trying to understand my own problems better while patiently being run over many times a day, with occasional stops for me to work with what I love the most: art. It's really the only medium where I'm free to speak whatever I want at any moment. Of course I won't spend effort letting pure hatred takeover which wouldn't help me feel better even if I took this cathartically because my values don't really align with that idea, at this degree anyway. Maybe some cheap household stuff, security glasses, a hammer or something else durable, me and a room would probably help me feel better in this case.